Here goes nothing

Well, I originally made this blog to post my poems and that's it. but i decided maybe i should start writing some actual posts and such. so i'll start out with a little bio i guess. the reason i started out writing these poems was because of the things i have been through in the past year, and not knowing how to express and channel feelings out of my body i turned to writing my feelings into poetry. weird right? well i can say as weird as it is i love it. its fun, artistic, and i feel like its helped me to make my self vulnerable and to really tell the people around me how i feel. 360 days ago today i returned home from a LDS religious mission, generally these missions are 2 years long. a mission was something i have prepared for and had my sights on sense i could speak. at the age of nineteen on september first i entered into the "MTC" (missionary training center) in Provo Utah to prepare myself to serve 2 years in the Santa Cruz, Bolivia mission. i was scared out of my mind but so excited. i knew what i was doing was the right thing and something i wanted so badly. after about 3 weeks in the MTC i started noticing that the feelings that i and other missionaries had been afflicted with in the first part of our missions were not going away for me, and that other elders around me were doing good. i was sad all of the time, and couldn't control my emotions to save my life. i had to have personal interviews with my MTC teacher daily just so i could go in and vent to make it through each day. never have i cried that much in my life, biggest tears i have ever seen. i tried as hard as i possibly could to push on, to find joy in anything and it just wasn't happening. so after i was out for a just a couple days short of 2 months it was time for me to fly out to Bolivia. my teacher pulled me aside and said "Elder Swenson, i think you should go talk with the MTC psychiatrist before you leave to bolivia." mind you my mtc teacher was like a father to me so i heeded his words. i went and saw the psychiatrist as soon as i could. after being interviewed by him i was diagnosed with Separation Anxiety and Depression, my world came crashing down around me. i was told later that week that i would have to be sent home and that i wouldn't be able to serve the full 2 years. my mind was blown and shattered. on Tuesday October 26th 2010 my parents came and picked me up at the MTC at 9:00 Pm. the other Elders in my "district" walked me out to say goodbye (these elders had become my brothers). as i hugged each one good bye and introduced them to my parents while i packed up my things i couldn't help but sob. i said final goodbyes, got in the car and headed home. it happened incredibly fast. something i had lived to do and focused my entire life on was not what was planned for me. the lord has blessed me with a strong testimony of the gospel, not only that but he blessed me with tender mercies before i had left my mission. he knows each of us so personally and knows exactly what we need to make it through this life. with out these tender mercies he blessed me with before the end of my mission i can honestly say i wouldn't be alive today. i'm still stuck in the middle of a battle with Depression and Anxiety. it has pushed me to places i didn't know existed, and didn't know i could fall to. I've always known about anxiety and depression but i have never understood it, ever in my life. i remember multiple times asking my parents what anxiety was, and never understanding what in the world they were talking about. but i'm here to tell you that it is real, and it is a mental disability. as much as i don't like to say that, its true and i and others need to except that. so here i am October 25th 2011 alive and living. taking it day by day and striving to exist. all i have to say is that we all have trials, and we are told this all the time and that they are "big or small". i don't believe this, a trial is a trial and they are going to push you and tear you down to nothing. i know that trials are a part of this life and that they are important as well. they are needed for us to obtain our maximum potential. i'm so grateful for my life, my family and friends. even though life seems to never go right, i can tell you that our life "not going right" is the right thing in our lives at that time. i beg and plead to all of you to try your hardest to be the best you can be! know that your savior and heavenly father love you and always will. thank you for reading this, pardon my English skills. Cooper Swenson