October

October was life
Connection that was not of this world
Between an earth boy and an ethereal girl
October is conditioned
Represents a time but not the tenth
Not the perfect friendship but the absence
October was divine
Nurtured roots fed freely
Then nutrients were cut completely
October is gone

Make me a bird

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything. I've never been super consistent when it comes to writing, but it is there when I need it. As many of you know the past 3 years have been difficult for me. I have had a lot of things happen in an unexpected way, causing a lot of negativity in my life. "Make me a bird" I can not count the amount of times I've asked this simple question. I first heard this question in the movie Forrest Gump. It was the little girls prayer as she was running from her drunk father. It is so simple but so beautiful to me. I have always loved birds and been so jealous of their freedom to basically do what they want and go where they want. During hard days this question was always in my mind, begging to be a bird to escape these hard times. For the first time in a long time I am finally seeing progression in my life and it is beautiful. I still have a long way to go but with every step forward the next one gets easier and I am so grateful for that. Today has been a little bit of a hard day. I am physically and emotionally exhausted which makes it that much harder for me to stay on top of my thought processes and staying positive. I found myself asking the question "make me a bird." As those words repeated in my mind I came the the realization that my question has been and is being answered. The first time I uttered those words 3 years ago I was full of a sense of failure and hopelessness. As I uttered those words tonight I caught myself trying to refocus my thoughts on positive things. Not only positive things about my life but about myself. I have always had a really hard time feeling content with myself. I tend to focus on the negative things about me, my faults and my past transgressions. I wandered for 3 long years feeling this way. Not having a sense of hope and just trying to survive. In the past 2 months things have been changing in a big way for me. I started meeting with a new counselor who has changed my life. I am so much happier and for the first time in a long time I LOVE MYSELF! It is so great to see progress in this aspect of my life. 3 years since I asked the question to my Heavenly Father to make me a bird and all this time I thought this question had gone unanswered. I realized tonight that I was wrong. It has taken time and it has taken a lot of trial and error but I know I there. I am a bird... a very young bird who sucks at flying haha, but I see progression and that brings so much joy to my heart. I see myself as gold because I know that is how the lord sees me.

I write these things and share these things because 1st of all I needed to get it down on "paper" and second of all because who knows who this story could help or bring hope to some one. I swear to you that there is a light at the end of all tunnels. DON'T EVER lose hope. I have been to the edge, it is an awful place. I promise if you just keep going and never give up that there will come a day you are squinting because the light is so bright :) 

LOVE YOURSELF PLEASE! You are all amazing people. You are all Sons and Daughters of loving Heavenly Father. You are all Brothers and Sisters too loving people! Is there some awfully rude people out there? No doubt, but they do not matter. Let them soak in there unhappiness, let them try and poison you. Do not ever believe what they say. You are all gold and I love you.

-Cooper

Missouri Man

Well hello there earth! It has been a little while since I've written anything really. But I have a cool thing happen last night so I figured I'd write it down somewhere.

Last night was the annual "GPS Unit Christmas Party" (a name for my group of friends we created when we were like 14 haha, it stuck) anyways we do a Christmas party every year that usually consists of all of us finding a date and just getting together to have some fun and reminisce. The date went great, we went to La Jolla Groves and it was good eating... except that part where my food was cold and I didn't get a single refill on my drink hahaha.
      So After the party I was driving my date home and she lives in Highland. It was super windy out by her house and there was a good amount of snow. I dropped her off and was heading home when about half a mile from her house I went around a bend and my car decided not to turn. I slid into the curb and slammed pretty hard and it left my car immobile. I called up a tow truck and the police showed up to write down the case and such and just kind of check up on me, nothing to crazy. The Police insisted they had to call me a tow truck because mine was taking a long time. At one point there was a tow truck already there getting a different car that had crashed just like me and they said he could take me as well... I knew I couldn't do it and I had a feeling I needed to wait for my own. So 2 A.M. rolls around when my tow truck gets there and I jump out of the car to talk with the driver of the truck. I approached the man and said "how are you doing man?" he responds that he is doing well and we just began chatting. I knew immediately that this guy was super cool and down to earth. We get the car loaded up and I jump in the tow truck with him and we head out. I start talking with him, small talk like asking him where he is from and such. Turns out he is from Missouri and has only been in Utah for about 2 and a half years. I'm a religious man and believe we are all brothers and sisters, and I felt that with this guy for sure. We immediately started speaking about our lives, things we've gone through. He tells me how when he was nineteen he was sent to prison for 15 years for armed robbery. He met a woman in prison and when he got out he married her. She resides in Orem so he decided to move out here. After he finishes most of his story he begins to tell me that he knows I have some life experience, that I'm mature for my age and that he finds me unique. He also says that he knew I respected him and I did. He goes on to say that he has had a hard time in Utah because he isn't LDS and has a past that he just can't seem to escape. Before I knew it I was at my destination, I shook his hand and that was that.
      I woke up the next morning thinking about Will the tow truck driver. Now, I'm not trying to make this a petty party or to say "hey look at me guys." As many of you know I went out on a LDS mission and was only able to serve for 2 months instead of the full two years because of medical issues. This has been an absolute tragedy in my life and has changed my life in a big way. I feel like and outcast sometimes, or that I've lost respect from some of my peers because I didn't serve a full mission. The reason why Will found me unique was because I saw him as a brother on the same journey as me. I didn't see him as an ex con or a drug addict. I love Will, he is a good person and he is doing the best he can. I tell this story because I want people to try and love people more and see them as a human being doing the best they can instead of a human being screwing up this way and that way. We all make mistakes all of the time and there is no point in pointing those flaws out or viewing a person for there flaws.
     I know we are all brothers and sisters and sons and daughters of God and that almost all of us are doing the best we can. Give each other credit and respect one another.

I love you all! And I'm trying my best in this life and I know all of you are too. Keep it up.

-Cooper

Locust

My mind is gun powder
One little spark creates me into a self doubter
Every little thought is its own explosion
Combining together to cause self-worth corrosion
The Adversary stares down his barrel in an unbreakable focus
Pulls the trigger sending out his corrupting locust
Where green hills once rolled on with the sun flaring
Lays a desolate land, hazy and barren.

Dimming

Hello, it has been quite some time sense I have posted anything. But do to a lot of built up emotions and such, I have vomited. I just wanna say I don't write these for pity or for attention. It's just therapeutic when I need to say what I'm feeling, for some reason putting it down on paper (virtual paper) helps release negativity. But here it is.


A rock and a hard place
These feelings hid behind my stone cold face
A constant battle of second guessing
 My sanity these thoughts are molesting
Unsure of the influences
Is it powered by guilt, or am I intuitive
Am I being provided with guidance in my life
Or am I being bombarded to cause me strife
The past is the past but I can't seem to let go
My goal of progression has come to a slow
Trying to stay afloat while being tied down with boulders
The glow within me dims as the flame subsides to smolder
I feel out of control and can't turn the dials
 In a downward spin that has lasted for miles
Where is the improvement, where is the light
I feel I've slipped into a lifelong night.

Weight of Souls

They say the worth of souls is great
But what about their weight
For these souls to carry are my cross to bare
The souls of hundreds, I pray for and care
They are beautiful people I never met
Prepare for Bolivia to cast my net
Bring others unto Christ was my goal
It was my dream that depression stole
I still bare the weight of the ones "specific for me"
I cry often wondering if I'll ever be free
The worth of souls is great
but I'm here to state that so is the weight
They weigh me down to a slow crawl
When i can't go anymore i begin to bawl
Because i was suppose to share salvation
All I've done is fed peoples contemplation
I've got a bag full of souls to remember
Put my own aside to create space for others
Will I ever let go and let these souls free
Loosen the bag and let them fly from me
To have a chance to take a deep breath
Put my own back into my chest
But I can't let go because it's not about me
It's about getting others to be free
So I'll proceed with this weight for the rest of my life
Until I'm at the gates and being judged for my life
I'll wait to pass out each soul to the owner
I hope and pray there will be no loner
I'll know the lord took care of my people
Brought them to the Prophet Moroni's steeple.

Stained

Day to day attempts
Mental outburst to find himself in contempt

Grips on desires keep slipping
Down sides to good things and the scale is tipping

Motivation is deserted
Quitting is averted

Being content with deterioration
A motor-less car at the gas station

Fills up the tank in hope it'll run
But in the back of his mind he knows it is done

Only reason he tries is to show he is doing something
But in the end he's content with doing nothing

Oxygenated blood is what fuels his brain
But the black infection has left it's stain

The only reason he acts and tries
Is to hide the truth while he turns and cries