Wanderings

It's a challenge to get out
Don't want to put the cap on
Bombarded by doubt
Just let it run until my life's gone
Day to day occurrence
Stumbling with no assurance
The necessary endurance
Is being swept away by loveless currents
Seems so easy to do
Then I think about my family
The things it would put them through
So I get myself out
I strive to put the cap on
Scarred deep in my brain
These thoughts will never be gone
I'm tempted by this selfish route
Filled with anger and self doubt
Here I am enduring to the end
Because until that day these wounds wont mend

Infliction

No hope for the future
Because I'm tearing out the sutures
Mental wounds so fresh
I'll carry these scars till death
Controlled by prescriptions
No, not from addiction
I anxiously await
The things my mind creates
Creating unlikely situations
That cause mental irritation
I need rehabilitation
for my mental miss communication
I cant seem to let go
And let myself grow
But I got to keep going
And keep my weakness from showing
Because after all
This is a test to stand tall
I can tell you I've fallen
And found myself crawling
But it's self inflected
By Satan's grip I'm constricted
I've got to keep my eyes up
Remembering whose blood fills that cup
We're ethereal beings
Don't let darkness keep you from seeing
We all have potential
And that's not confidential
So please be believing
In these words I'm conceiving

Bridges

Mountains of gold
So many stories to be told
The sun creeps over the ridges
In rays like heavens bridges
These scars of the earth blanketed by snow
No imperfections to show
Silhouetted by the sun behind
Or by the Son divine.
One ray left as the sun goes down
The hills fall asleep in their snowy gown.

Melted

All these built up emotions causing personal distortions
I pound the escape key trying to abort them
But they're brought to the surface
in an emotional outburst with no purpose
I read people like open books
analyzing the cracks and nooks
I can see the pain and sorrow in the eyes of my peers
I cling to there suffering until it brings me to tears
I just want to help them because I know the dark places we go
I wish I could take there burdens and let there light glow
But I don't have the ability
to give another human perfect tranquility
this power of mine to see right into you
causes emotional chaos and my thoughts become askew
here I am trying to help everyone else
while I watch as my personal psychi melts
It's a viscous cycle as others problems light the wick
and with an ADHD mind it burns so quick
The melted wax fuels my tear glands with tears so thick

Here goes nothing

Well, I originally made this blog to post my poems and that's it. but i decided maybe i should start writing some actual posts and such. so i'll start out with a little bio i guess. the reason i started out writing these poems was because of the things i have been through in the past year, and not knowing how to express and channel feelings out of my body i turned to writing my feelings into poetry. weird right? well i can say as weird as it is i love it. its fun, artistic, and i feel like its helped me to make my self vulnerable and to really tell the people around me how i feel. 360 days ago today i returned home from a LDS religious mission, generally these missions are 2 years long. a mission was something i have prepared for and had my sights on sense i could speak. at the age of nineteen on september first i entered into the "MTC" (missionary training center) in Provo Utah to prepare myself to serve 2 years in the Santa Cruz, Bolivia mission. i was scared out of my mind but so excited. i knew what i was doing was the right thing and something i wanted so badly. after about 3 weeks in the MTC i started noticing that the feelings that i and other missionaries had been afflicted with in the first part of our missions were not going away for me, and that other elders around me were doing good. i was sad all of the time, and couldn't control my emotions to save my life. i had to have personal interviews with my MTC teacher daily just so i could go in and vent to make it through each day. never have i cried that much in my life, biggest tears i have ever seen. i tried as hard as i possibly could to push on, to find joy in anything and it just wasn't happening. so after i was out for a just a couple days short of 2 months it was time for me to fly out to Bolivia. my teacher pulled me aside and said "Elder Swenson, i think you should go talk with the MTC psychiatrist before you leave to bolivia." mind you my mtc teacher was like a father to me so i heeded his words. i went and saw the psychiatrist as soon as i could. after being interviewed by him i was diagnosed with Separation Anxiety and Depression, my world came crashing down around me. i was told later that week that i would have to be sent home and that i wouldn't be able to serve the full 2 years. my mind was blown and shattered. on Tuesday October 26th 2010 my parents came and picked me up at the MTC at 9:00 Pm. the other Elders in my "district" walked me out to say goodbye (these elders had become my brothers). as i hugged each one good bye and introduced them to my parents while i packed up my things i couldn't help but sob. i said final goodbyes, got in the car and headed home. it happened incredibly fast. something i had lived to do and focused my entire life on was not what was planned for me. the lord has blessed me with a strong testimony of the gospel, not only that but he blessed me with tender mercies before i had left my mission. he knows each of us so personally and knows exactly what we need to make it through this life. with out these tender mercies he blessed me with before the end of my mission i can honestly say i wouldn't be alive today. i'm still stuck in the middle of a battle with Depression and Anxiety. it has pushed me to places i didn't know existed, and didn't know i could fall to. I've always known about anxiety and depression but i have never understood it, ever in my life. i remember multiple times asking my parents what anxiety was, and never understanding what in the world they were talking about. but i'm here to tell you that it is real, and it is a mental disability. as much as i don't like to say that, its true and i and others need to except that. so here i am October 25th 2011 alive and living. taking it day by day and striving to exist. all i have to say is that we all have trials, and we are told this all the time and that they are "big or small". i don't believe this, a trial is a trial and they are going to push you and tear you down to nothing. i know that trials are a part of this life and that they are important as well. they are needed for us to obtain our maximum potential. i'm so grateful for my life, my family and friends. even though life seems to never go right, i can tell you that our life "not going right" is the right thing in our lives at that time. i beg and plead to all of you to try your hardest to be the best you can be! know that your savior and heavenly father love you and always will. thank you for reading this, pardon my English skills. Cooper Swenson

Reciprocation

As hard as I try there is no reciprocation

I find myself in a state of desolation

Made myself vulnerable not once but twice

I gambled my heart as I rolled the dice

You meant so much to me

But you threw me to the curb like a worthless penny

As I lay in the gutter heads down

The flow of tears and emotions cause me to drown

No one cares to pick me up

Because a face down penny brings no luck

Why can't I ever be what you're looking for

Vividly remembering when you said you liked me more

I always thought that isn't possible

Obviously i was right, it's only logical

Because you left me saying "it's not your fault"

So I've locked whats left of me in a vault

As hard as i try there is no reciprocation

I find myself in a state of desolation


-Cooper Swenson

Unstable

Unstable.
Never thought I'd see the day that I'd become unable
Unable to create what i want to feel
Instead I'm persuaded by something that seems unreal
Unreal to the people that surround me
But those who know me can see how this lack of stabilization binds me
Its more real then you know, I watch as its dark roots grow
Clasping so tightly, causing swinging ever so slightly into sways that confine me
Sadness, anger, and guilt stronger then I've ever felt
As I try to live with these cards I am dealt
I fall to often and I fall so hard
This black pit of misery has left me scarred
It tries to heal over but the wound is to fresh
At times i gain hope as the tissue begins to mesh
But the hope is shattered and flesh pulls apart
Because you felt so inclined to break my heart.
-Cooper Swenson

Burden

Burdened and a burden, that's what i've come to be.
I am no longer who i was, i'm just an empty shell.
hollowed out by fear and sadness, it's swallowing me whole.
i survive each day with hopes of eternity, but what about right now?
adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy.
i once had joy in my possession, but in the mirror its not in my reflection.
i reach for something to cause me to feel, but what is empty cannot function.
why cant i control what controls me, and covers me in darkness.
i beg on my knees daily and nightly, throw me a bone i ask politely.
i love my god and my elder brother, they've given me this great blessing.
because of them i can be eternally happy, but what about on earth.
i've lived a good life, i've done what i know is right.
but where has that gotten me? enveloped by a despair that is gripped so tightly.
all i can do is keep on going, and keep pushing to survive.
i have no weapons or offense, i am defenseless.
i've lost everything, happiness, dreams, and will to live.
but i know better and i can not change this.
not my will, but thine.
-Cooper Swenson

Spark

Day to day, darkest hour of my life.
The darkness surrounds me, no end in sight.
Then one day I see a spark in the distance, my eyes light up like a young boys on Christmas.
The sadness inside of me will not cease, but as i see the spark its grip is released.
I run to the spark, and like that i am stopped.
The spark still in the distance my bubble was popped.
As i watch from afar i gain hope that one day i'll get to her.
And dwell in her presence, of that i am sure.
She is the spark and i am the tinder, when we meet we'll fuel each other.
Turn to a fire no wind could bother.
-Cooper Swenson

Fleets

It won't ask for permission as I become a victim to this unwanted self destruction.
I wander in my mind searching for this corruption, tripped up by ever-growing obstructions.
Doubts in my mind that I and others have created, we all have dreams and the grip on mine has degraded.
My light has been dimmed by the waves and clouds that shade it.
We all have been given this light, it's a gift from God to battle against the unholy blight.
In some it is brighter then others, and in times of tribulation I use its brightness for cover.
And in times of peace I use my light to fuel others.
We all have trials and unwanted situations, things that bring us down and cause the start of contemplation.
Why this? Why me? Cant God just let me be?
It is not random and it is not chance, it can seem like it is at first glance.
We think its random but that's not true, I'm given certain trials not just for me but for others too.
These trials are a blessing and i know that's true, even though they leave me beaten black and blue.
These wounds are temporary and will some day heal, there will always be one who knows how we feel.
He is our Brother who died on the hill.
I'm being pushed to my limits, stretched beyond thin.
I know one day that the light will win.
And on that day there will be no wave, no clouds that can cover it.
The holy will walk this ground in fleets, the ashes of the unrighteous underneath our feet.
We have to hold on and keep on going, don't let your light be hid from showing.
I know one day we'll be welcomed to the presence of thee all knowing.
-Cooper Swenson